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Thursday, April 14, 2011

The Freedom from Creative Whore-ness

Letting Go
When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.
The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho



There comes that time in your life when the whole universe begins to plot against you. It’s almost as if you’re forced to do things that you didn’t think it was the right time to do.

I find myself in just that spot today.

For the last couple of weeks/months, I have not even been thinking about my blog. Let’s rephrase that one. I’d almost forgotten I had one. A year seems to have gone by before I went through that mad ‘writing’ phase; where every night had to see one blog post or I would drop dead on the sidewalk next day. The possible cause of death would be pinned at ‘non-writing asphyxia’.

Fast forward to today. Almost one year into writing jobs, the writer in me had begun focusing her energies on other tasks at hand. There always seemed to be something or the other to be written about; or so claimed the men signing the dotted lines that led to your paycheck at the end of the month.

My creative self had become but a slave to the whims and fancies of men who wanted to abuse it for their personal and professional wellbeing. My creative self had turned into a whore!!!

The last few days gone by, however, brought with them a fresh wave of change. Suddenly I had the urge to pick up a book again. Just not pick it up; I wanted to read books again. I chose to look out of the bus window, observing life in its’ mundane self, rather than dial the first number I saw on my phone. All these observations and lines read have culminated in this post.
I would hereby like to call this post ‘The Freedom from Creative Whore-ness’.  Yes, that’s what this is for me. It’s a start of me breaking the shackles that have held my mind captive for all these months.

Believe it or not, it took some convincing to even get started on this post. This was because, for all these months I had convinced myself that this part of me was dead.

(Ironically, in between writing this post, one of the ‘men’ mentioned above happened to call out to me. I shall channel my energies towards finishing the ‘job’ with him, and then get back to being my free creative self).

Now that I get back to being my free creative self, I feel throttled again. Such is the price you have to pay for turning your passion into your profession. It’s weird how mortifying the thought seems now. What if I will never be able to let the short stories jump off my keyboard anymore? What if those failed attempts at sonnets remain just that? What if I am never allowed to reach the full heights of my writing potential; if that sort of a peak exists!
I guess only time will tell whether I will complete the half-written story that precedes this post; or whether I will completely lose myself to the needs and wants of the never-satiated men that I work for. Only time will tell.

But for now, I shall celebrate the choice I have made to set out on this journey of re-finding the gypsy-writer within me. The one who didn’t shy away from topics that people hypocritically ignored; the one who didn’t care what people thought of her because she chose to shine the spotlight on taboos – that woman is who I am waiting to be, once again! This post shall not be edited before it is posted; because this is what I want to encapsulate within it – The Raw Me. The ‘me’ that I was used to being. The younger me, who didn’t care about grammatical errors; as long as the essence was flawless! That me shall be back someday, in her element. She will be back with a new fragrance so strong that the whore writer shall be overpowered.    

2 comments:

Creation said...

I know exactly what you must have gone through. I chose the same; turned my passion into my profession and now I wonder if it was the right thing to do or not. Also,the fact that I started working pretty early, at 18, makes me wonder if I had gotten it all wrong... And the cherry on the cake, the fact that my entire world fell apart in the last three months has only added to that lingering conviction if anything... of getting it all wrong, of failing at that thing called life.

But your post gives me hope. :)

Tabitha said...

Hey girl... I understand the sentiments you echo... I, however, appreciate the fact that I could give someone hope with this little post of mine...